Wishes

She sleeps soundly behind me, oblivious as our elders hapilly enjoy their frivolous game of cards,
as the young ones gather by their laptops in a frenzy of DotA,
and I sit here, my back facing her as I feel the agony of trying to admire her innocent beauty,
to know if I had done so,
many eyes would bear witness, many thoughts and whispers will materialize,
that my unrequited feelings for my own kin, my cousin, still remain over the years, untainted.

Would she ever see me differently?
Does she know that I still harbor a longing for her?
Does she know that the reason I did so much for her,
was because I possessed a frail, subtle wish,
that she would look at me differently?

Everyone knew I was in love with her when I was younger. I was not subtle about my feelings.
Do they know whether I still feel for her?


It matters not now, I'm afraid.
She already belongs to another.
I could swear my eyes turn green every time I see them together,
so happy, so oblivious to my pain.
But...shouldn't I be happy for her?
Shouldn't I be content that she has found happiness,
instead of me just feeling hurt, left-out, and ignored?

But would she ever see me as someone worthy of her?
Would she ever see me as someone attractive? Someone who stands out?
I doubt so. Even if it pains me to see it this way. I doubt so.

My wishes go unheard. My desires go unfulfilled. My agony continues on.
Woe is me, for I am a lovesick fool, who cannot even look away from my own cousin.
I curse myself for feeling this way. Even if I have learned to let her go, bit-by-agonizing-bit.

Here I am,
in the midst of writing a fan novel about two cousins,
Ben and Gwen,
who became lovers.
I pour out all the feelings I felt, all the seemingly wrong emotions I have,
into this novel.
In a way, I am jealous.
Jealous by the fact the characters I have in my make-believe world are happier than I am.
Jealous by the fact that these cousins can show their love for one another,
while I remain here with these unrequited feelings.


I hate myself for this.
I hate myself for falling for her every time she smiles at me.
I hate myself for never prying my eyes off her every time I see her.
I hate myself for ever loving her.