It happened again.
I dared to move forward,
and once again,
it blew up right in my face.
For all my life,
seriously,
all my life,
I've been on the losing end,
never even tasting the sweet rewards.
I first fell for a girl when I was 6,
in kindergarten of all things.
Guess how that turned out, huh?
For all this time,
I've been trying my best to move on,
to not actually fall for someone again like so many times before.
Why?
Why am I always plagued by unrequited love,
always having my heart broken in 2 unintentionally by them?
Is it fair to me?
Is it fair to me?
I have been acting like the ideal gentleman for my entire time in college,
respectively talking to girls and being courteous all this time,
but no, not because I want to kau lui or anything,
but because I feel obliged to,
because it's the right thing.
I did get compliments from that,
and it did boost my self-esteem,
but it's a painful reality.
Some assume that I have a way with girls as I always treat them nicely,
but in fact, I hardly mingled around with any in the past.
Yeah, 2007's Merdeka Dance was a big turning point for me.
But I'll always be one in the crowd,
not someone who actually stands out for once,
always pushed into the sidelines.
Am I noticed?
Has anyone ever said that they liked me?
Have I ever been looked at differently,
the same way I look at her?
I actually broke down and cried
out of a sudden after I showered,
as I had been holding back
the tears for awhile now.
No girl has ever shed a tear for me,
but I have cried rivers for them in the past,
unbeknown to them.
And it happened again.
Does anyone of you know how many times I've had my heart broken?
Really?
Hell, even I don't know.
It's been the umpteenth time it's happened,
and I still haven't got used to the pain it brings.
For those of you who don't know,
'umpteenth' is a way of saying
'too many times till there's no way of counting it'.
I know that now's not the right time to rush into a relationship,
as studies are important.
I keep telling myself that over and over again,
but it doesn't make things any easier.
But can I be so certain that this is love?
Can I be so certain that I cried over a girl that I just had feelings for,
instead of someone I've loved for like forever?
I may not be the only one who has suffered unrequited love before,
but I'm sure that I'm the only one among us
that's experienced several lifetimes' worth of heartbreaks.
I...just don't know.
I just hate myself for ever liking you.
I dared to move forward,
and once again,
it blew up right in my face.
For all my life,
seriously,
all my life,
I've been on the losing end,
never even tasting the sweet rewards.
I first fell for a girl when I was 6,
in kindergarten of all things.
Guess how that turned out, huh?
For all this time,
I've been trying my best to move on,
to not actually fall for someone again like so many times before.
Why?
Why am I always plagued by unrequited love,
always having my heart broken in 2 unintentionally by them?
Is it fair to me?
Is it fair to me?
I have been acting like the ideal gentleman for my entire time in college,
respectively talking to girls and being courteous all this time,
but no, not because I want to kau lui or anything,
but because I feel obliged to,
because it's the right thing.
I did get compliments from that,
and it did boost my self-esteem,
but it's a painful reality.
Some assume that I have a way with girls as I always treat them nicely,
but in fact, I hardly mingled around with any in the past.
Yeah, 2007's Merdeka Dance was a big turning point for me.
But I'll always be one in the crowd,
not someone who actually stands out for once,
always pushed into the sidelines.
Am I noticed?
Has anyone ever said that they liked me?
Have I ever been looked at differently,
the same way I look at her?
I actually broke down and cried
out of a sudden after I showered,
as I had been holding back
the tears for awhile now.
No girl has ever shed a tear for me,
but I have cried rivers for them in the past,
unbeknown to them.
And it happened again.
Does anyone of you know how many times I've had my heart broken?
Really?
Hell, even I don't know.
It's been the umpteenth time it's happened,
and I still haven't got used to the pain it brings.
For those of you who don't know,
'umpteenth' is a way of saying
'too many times till there's no way of counting it'.
I know that now's not the right time to rush into a relationship,
as studies are important.
I keep telling myself that over and over again,
but it doesn't make things any easier.
But can I be so certain that this is love?
Can I be so certain that I cried over a girl that I just had feelings for,
instead of someone I've loved for like forever?
I may not be the only one who has suffered unrequited love before,
but I'm sure that I'm the only one among us
that's experienced several lifetimes' worth of heartbreaks.
I...just don't know.
I just hate myself for ever liking you.
3 comments:
Sometimes it's just best to move on and forget about that someone. If you have been rejected a couple of times, the message is already clear. The love you described is not true love. If you really love someone, you don't have to be at their side. I have gone through it. As long they are happy, it's enough. Don't confuse crush and love. Be strong and not whine for the past. Life is pain and we should look forward in life. Just my 2 cents though.
Thank you, nightblink.
I understand your approach and agree with your statements, and wish to also thank you for taking your time to send me this comment.
Your 2 cents really meant alot. Really
=)
Even if the roses do not want you, there are always orchids, sunflower etc. I mean open your heart to others. There will definitely be others. Don't despair for too long. It will never work. Because I know. I have been through this.
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