Wishes

She sleeps soundly behind me, oblivious as our elders hapilly enjoy their frivolous game of cards,
as the young ones gather by their laptops in a frenzy of DotA,
and I sit here, my back facing her as I feel the agony of trying to admire her innocent beauty,
to know if I had done so,
many eyes would bear witness, many thoughts and whispers will materialize,
that my unrequited feelings for my own kin, my cousin, still remain over the years, untainted.

Would she ever see me differently?
Does she know that I still harbor a longing for her?
Does she know that the reason I did so much for her,
was because I possessed a frail, subtle wish,
that she would look at me differently?

Everyone knew I was in love with her when I was younger. I was not subtle about my feelings.
Do they know whether I still feel for her?


It matters not now, I'm afraid.
She already belongs to another.
I could swear my eyes turn green every time I see them together,
so happy, so oblivious to my pain.
But...shouldn't I be happy for her?
Shouldn't I be content that she has found happiness,
instead of me just feeling hurt, left-out, and ignored?

But would she ever see me as someone worthy of her?
Would she ever see me as someone attractive? Someone who stands out?
I doubt so. Even if it pains me to see it this way. I doubt so.

My wishes go unheard. My desires go unfulfilled. My agony continues on.
Woe is me, for I am a lovesick fool, who cannot even look away from my own cousin.
I curse myself for feeling this way. Even if I have learned to let her go, bit-by-agonizing-bit.

Here I am,
in the midst of writing a fan novel about two cousins,
Ben and Gwen,
who became lovers.
I pour out all the feelings I felt, all the seemingly wrong emotions I have,
into this novel.
In a way, I am jealous.
Jealous by the fact the characters I have in my make-believe world are happier than I am.
Jealous by the fact that these cousins can show their love for one another,
while I remain here with these unrequited feelings.


I hate myself for this.
I hate myself for falling for her every time she smiles at me.
I hate myself for never prying my eyes off her every time I see her.
I hate myself for ever loving her.

Jubilation!!

My drawing of my favorite pairing got published! On the Star Newspaper, no less!
I've been waiting so long for them to post my submission to OtakuZone, and they finally got it published!

Woohoo!


Ben & Gwen's Love-Love Halloween


Here it is.

I wish to thank those who SMS-ed me to congratulate me on the post.

I appreciate how thoughtful you were to congratulate me. Thans, guys!


Cheers!

If Even Heroes Bleed....

Am I not good enough?

An i not worthy of your notice?

Have I not bent myself to help you,
so much so to the brink of me being broken?

Have I not been through so much for you, only to accept your appreciation as a friend?

Have you not noticed the truth behind my kindness?

Do you not see that I would do anything for you, if you were to ask?

Do you not know that without you, I would not be able to see what is wrong with me?

Can you finally realize, that you are more important to me than you think,
and that I need you. More than what seems to be shown.

Illusions of The Heart and How They Hurt

Have you ever met a path that led you down different trails?

I have.

It sucks. It hurts. It agonizes.

Why?

Because I have feelings for 4 different girls.
All so different. All so desirable.

Call me a lovesick idiot. Go ahead.
I deserve it. I deserve it for dividing my heart for so many when I should be focusing on just 1.

Why do I divide my attention among the 4 of them?
Maybe...maybe it's because I keep thinking, not even one of them would ever fall for a guy like me.

Two of them already have boyfriends. And I feel so utterly selfish, and stupid, for wishing that they weren't couples in the first place. It wouldn't be fair, to take away the happiness of others for my own selfish reasons.

One of them is classy and moderately wild, someone I would have to sprint to catch up with. But for her, I would. But she already belongs to another. And I can only look away ruefully.

Another is a girl that is so unattainable, so high and mighty(in a good way), that I fade total comparison. I don't think I'm her type. I'm not good enough, I guess.

Another girl is one that I had feelings for the longest. She's comfortable around me, as I am comfortable with her. I knew her since I could even remember.
I bet you're thinking 'girl-next-door',right?
Wrong.
She's my cousin.
I know, I know. It's social taboo and all that crap.
But she is, without a doubt, one of the most beautiful girls I have ever laid eyes on.
And she is extremely smart. Understanding. Kind.
But she too, has a boyfriend.
And when I first fell in love with her during my early teen years,
I made the bloody big mistake of being so obvious about my feelings for her.
And guess what? It was unrequited.
Does she know I still have feelings for her?
If she did, she'd never return it to me. Never.

Then there's the last girl, the last person I fell for recently. Well, if you can call sometime mid-last year recent.
She's kind, intelligent, sweet, gorgeous, an anime fan like myself and
possesses a beautiful air around her.
She's...perfect. But it always seems like she's always too busy for me.
No, I don't blame her. How could I?
What grounds do I possess to do such a thing?
I made the stupid mistake of confessing, only to be gently rejected by her, like so many other girls before.

Y'know, it hurts. It really hurts to know that I'm always never their type, no matter how hard I try to fit in, no matter how difficult it is to be have feelings for so many different girls.

I don't even know what to write anymore. I don't know how to voice out how I feel. I don't know what to do with myself, feeling so pathetic when I stop to think about how far I got myself into this mess.

I look out into the world and see so many happy people in relationships, or those who even qualify to potentially HAVE a relationship, and I ask myself.
"Why can't I be someone who deserves better?"

Surprised! Well, not really...

If you thought that the act of trying to ban Avril off our our stages last time was bad enough, today's newspaper must've sent your eyes rolling in annoyance.

That overzealous party that can't even win state election
without threatening to bore you to death
has proposed to ban our favorite Barbadian singer.

Guess who?






Yup, our beloved Rihanna.

Here's what the Star had to say about them. Mind, it's not even in the top 20 topic in Star Online. Hehe...

Its Federal Territory Youth chief Kamaruzaman Mohamad said inviting the Barbados-born singing sensation to Malaysia was “akin to insulting eastern culture, belittling local artistes, intentionally causing losses to the country’s economy and supporting Israel’s war policy, which is supported by America”. (Huh? So artistes are secret war-helpers now, eh? )

The *ahem!* Publically Astoundingly Stupid wing said it also found the Grammy award winner to be unsuitable because she often performed suggestively and wore skimpy, sexy outfits. (Who doesn't these days?)

Kamaruzaman said local concert sponsor Celcom should give priority to eastern cultures and local artistes. (Don't we also get a lot of that already? We want something different once in awhile....)

He said Rihanna’s appearance here would result in an outflow of local currency to the United States, and in turn, cause loss to the country and suffering to the Palestinians. (Double Huh?)

He reasoned that the United States supplies arms to its ally Israel from contributions and taxes collected from Americans. (Are you some James Bond in a sarong, buddy?)

“Whether Rihanna realises it or not, we know that the taxes she has paid also contributed to the war in Gaza,” Kamaruzaman said. (Sarong Stalker...)

Lemme know what you thing about it, ok guys?

Cheers.

The Cullens

The Cullens

For Trish, who just lurves the Twilight series.

By the way, I didn't make any of these. I'd be so cool if I did.

A laugh a day.....

LOL....

1. Does it matter to you if your boyfriend or girlfriend smokes?

Yes. I don't date smokers.

(Eventhough I've never dated before...)

2. How about drinking?

I hardly drink. But if she drinks, I'm cool with that,

so as long as she knows her limit.

3. Have you liked someone you can't have?

I still do.

4. If someone liked you right now, would you want them to tell you?

Sure. But I'm hoping that 1 certain someone would.

5. What's your favourite sport?

Football.

Does PS3 count as a sport?

6. It's saturday night, you're home alone... what do you do?

Text my favourite girls,

write my novel,

play Metal Gear Online on my PS3

-I know I'm killing you with the PS3 posts, Jason =)-

7. Do you like roller coasters?

Its been YEARS since I last rode one.

8. When's the perfect time to have a bf/gf?

"When the right person comes along."

-a quote by Ling-

9. If you could date any celebrity, who would it be?

None. The girl I want is no celebrity, my heart being an exception....

Although Jonathan Lee would be shouting "Rihanna!!!"

10. What are you doing this weekend?

Its not the weekends yet, and I have no special plans. Ho-hum.

11. What is your favourite restaurant?

The Ship.

McD, anyone?

12. Have you ever hugged someone?

Yup

13. Ever kissed someone you weren't attracted to?

No. Never kissed before.

My lips are practically still a virgin.

lol....

14. Do you like anyone right now?

Unrequited love, more like.

(nothing new...)

15. What is the first thing you notice about the opposite sex?

Single or available?

16. Which do you prefer, Beach or Mountains?

Both. Love the fresh air AND the sea breeze.

17. What kind of phone do you have?

Nokia 6300.

I'm not flashy like you, Ling ;)

18. Computer or Laptop?

Family Computer which I hardly get to use.

HP Pavillion.

19. Jeans or sweats?

Tough Jeans.

Mostly either my dad's or something my folks think looks nice on me

20. Which year(s) has/have been the best so far?

All of them have their ups and downs.

21. How old are you gonna be on your next birthday?

18.

Feels no different though....

22. What should you be doing right now?

Helping my Standard 4 brother with his maths homework?

Nah, he's fine. He's got a calculator beside him.

Cheater....

23. What is your favorite TV show?

Ben10,

Animes,

Heroes .

24. What's been your last purchase?

Fries and Coke in McD.

Very satisfying snack.

Love the free refills.

25. Are you attracted to girls/boys that smoke?

Total turn-off.

26. Have you ever fallen on your butt in front of a crowd of people?

When I was a young lad....

27. What do you do when you're at home?

PS3(duh...)

Writing my novel

Surfing the net with my PS3

Reading Twilight. Thought I'd give the series a shot.

28. What is your favourite subject?

Anything that doesn't bore me to a coma.

29. What's the best thing that happened on you?

-Meeting Ling and Trish in the Merdeka dance 2 years ago. They were so cute in those cheongsams.

-Meeting Rose during my cousin's birthday. She looked adorable in that beret.

Getting my PS3

Knowing that I'm appreciated by some. Just wish they would love me back.

30. 10 people I tag:

Everyone.

But knowing my friends, none of them will.

Lazy bums...

Lol.