Pondering

Sometimes I wonder if it's worth the pain.

I've never had any form of reply,
no returns,
no mutual feelings.

I've always been neglected,
turned-down,
ignored,
brought down hard on my face.


It kinda tugs on the old heartstrings.

To see people happily holding hands,
acting all lovey-dovey,
even if they're just friends
in some cases.

Why?
Why me?

Just for once,
I wish that it wasn't just a one-sided thing....

I've never been loved by someone who was
not biologically-programmed to love me back before.

I've never felt what it was like to hold her in my arms,
whispering sweet nothings into her ear as I gently kiss her cheek.

She is a different case,
turning down any boy that comes along to her.

It's safe to say that she has personal reasons,
and I respect that.

I've been in the love business since I was 6.
12 years later, and where does it leave me?

Still heartbroken.
Still sitting in the cold corner,
licking my wounds as I stare at the blank white wall,
as pure or as clean as it is,
that wall is just a facade.

I just don't find it fair.
If this is His way,
if this is really His way,
please,
give me a sign.

Don't let me remain here,
high and dry,
the pain of the past and the present haunting me.



I don't know how
I'm supposed to feel anymore.


I'm quite indecisive about this.
I'm not emo about it,
yet I'm not fully happy.



I'm a mess.


Trish, help me.

=(

Carl Zeiss who?

I swear we guys tend to get a lil' more crazy
every single day.




And I love it.

=)

Rain

There was supposed to be 2 things that should've made me happy today.
One thing almost didn't.

I never got to see her.
I never got to smile at her after so long,
never seeing the dark twinkle in her eyes.

But I got to hear her voice,
the first time in almost a year.

It's a consolation,
so I can't complain,
really.


No, it's not her fault.
It'll never be her fault.
Circumstances just made it impossible
for us to meet face-to-face,
and I don't really mind that.



I just wish we had more time in the future.



I just wish things were easier for us both.

Home

So again, there was a good surprise that came my way today.

Officially, Jing Ting is the 1st female friend to

actually pay a visit to my house,
believe it or not.

There she is with that fever patch on her head.
She was scared she got the fever bug or something,
Terry saying things like
"Ahh! H1N1!!"

Silly fella...
Fever isn't a symptom of H1N1.



...Is it?

Anyway, here's several pics she took of my house,
complimenting as to how neat it was.
Haha.

The living room

Yes, my living room's lighting rocks.
Come pay a visit someday.
Seriously.

My room.

I quote Jing's comment on it:
"His room! so many things but looks tidy><"

So yes, that's all for today, i guess.
Maybe I can finally get some good, well-deserved sleep tonight.

English for the Masses

So today was a rather pleasant surprise.

Here's some rather cheeky pics that Toh Seng forwarded to me.

Goodness, these are really good.

Learned anything from these few things, Jing?

=)

Moving Rubber

Yeah, I posed.

It's Jing's Finished Art project,
a box with Gatsby hair gel inside.


I'm supposed to be happy about this,
being able to act a lil' cool for about a fraction of a second,
but now I feel so hollow,
due to...other reasons.

Hmph.

Life sure has changed.

Grey Clouds

It happened again.

I dared to move forward,
and once again,
it blew up right in my face.

For all my life,
seriously,
all my life,
I've been on the losing end,
never even tasting the sweet rewards.

I first fell for a girl when I was 6,
in kindergarten of all things.
Guess how that turned out, huh?

For all this time,
I've been trying my best to move on,
to not actually fall for someone again like so many times before.



Why?

Why am I always plagued by unrequited love,
always having my heart broken in 2 unintentionally by them?
Is it fair to me?
Is it fair to me?

I have been acting like the ideal gentleman for my entire time in college,
respectively talking to girls and being courteous all this time,
but no, not because I want to kau lui or anything,
but because I feel obliged to,
because it's the right thing.

I did get compliments from that,
and it did boost my self-esteem,
but it's a painful reality.

Some assume that I have a way with girls as I always treat them nicely,
but in fact, I hardly mingled around with any in the past.
Yeah, 2007's Merdeka Dance was a big turning point for me.

But I'll always be one in the crowd,
not someone who actually stands out for once,
always pushed into the sidelines.

Am I noticed?
Has anyone ever said that they liked me?
Have I ever been looked at differently,
the same way I look at her?

I actually broke down and cried
out of a sudden after I showered,
as I had been holding back
the tears for awhile now.

No girl has ever shed a tear for me,
but I have cried rivers for them in the past,
unbeknown to them.
And it happened again.

Does anyone of you know how many times I've had my heart broken?
Really?

Hell, even I don't know.
It's been the umpteenth time it's happened,
and I still haven't got used to the pain it brings.

For those of you who don't know,
'umpteenth' is a way of saying
'too many times till there's no way of counting it'.

I know that now's not the right time to rush into a relationship,
as studies are important.
I keep telling myself that over and over again,
but it doesn't make things any easier.

But can I be so certain that this is love?
Can I be so certain that I cried over a girl that I just had feelings for,
instead of someone I've loved for like forever?


I may not be the only one who has suffered unrequited love before,
but I'm sure that I'm the only one among us
that's experienced several lifetimes' worth of heartbreaks.

I...just don't know.



I just hate myself for ever liking you.

Secrets

A gentle hand brushed the skin on her thigh,
sending shivers down her entire body as she bit her lips,
trying her best to not exclaim in surprise.

"Dear!" she whispered silently,
looking reproachfully at the boy next to her,
who only gave a smirk.

"Sorry darling. I couldn't wait much longer,"
he whispered in return,
looking like the little boy who had been caught red-handed
with his hands in the cookie jar.
And to be honest,
that's not far-off from what was going on now.

She was thankful that the others were oblivious
to what was going on,
or all hell would've broken loose.

"Well you'll have to wait longer than that," she growled,
but even that sounded like a kitten's mew to him.
He could never see her angry. Ever.

"Well then I'd have to settle for something less for now,"
he said, that cheeky smile curling its way up his lips,
before he grabbed the back of her head,
pulling her dangerously close to him,
before it happened.

She couldn't even shout.
No whimper came out.
No sound even escaped her lips
as it was firmly pressed against his own,
her eyes wide in utter surprise for that fraction of a second before
the rage began to boil in her.

Then he kissed her even deeper,
and all murderous thoughts about him vanished instantly.

She found herself answering his kiss earnestly
by wrapping her arms around him,
locking them both in a long, sweet embrace.

To hell with the others knowing what happened.
His lips were like morphine to her,
sweeping away any and all doubt or worries
that were in her head right then.

And that was all that mattered.
She couldn't care any less if their dirty little secret ever got revealed.


At least that way they wouldn't have to hide their relationship.





I thought it was about time I published something risque' in my blog.
=)